And once again it is THAT TIME OF THE YEAR …………where miraculously, I am a year younger……
Unlike the rest of the pack I drank from ‘the fountain of youth’ a decade and half ago and ever since then I’m getting younger by the minute .
Don’t believe me?? Ask the ‘Mental health’ services .
Okay, so those who know me well enough won’t certify me as half crazy for ‘the above statement’ because that ‘ship a la cuckoo’ has sailed eons ago but those who don’t … Brace yourself !!
It’s time to celebrate a birthday with me , Kainaz Jussawalla ishtyle…..…
Sounds like ”A fun event” huh?
Fun ?? Really?
If ‘fun’ in Oxford dicky means- Anxiety,confusion, hopeless hope … then yes it’s a fun proposition!
If all this still doesn’t make sense; let’s familiarize you….
You see, I’m one of those few people who is endowed with, what is known as – ” Birthday dilemma.”
Mixed feelings of joy and hysteria.
Somewhat like what every pregnant woman goes through – Unavoidable Labour!
Like a slow build up for 9 months, the 9 days pre Birthday build- up is almost as crazy and breath sapping.
Except that mine is every year.
Now that you all have got the rough picture ”of the picture”, let me tell you what the people around me have to face or rather endure, out of ‘law of no choice.’
But before that, I shall let you in quickly on a carelessly guarded secret- ”I am paranoid about getting OLDER!”
Call me …..An Ageist. But it freaks me out – A year less in hand. To me, it translates as fewer days left- to achieve, dream, love, become a Fashionista, to solve crime….
It also means lesser control on the bladder, bone density, reflexes and immunity.
All that combined with very little sleep, wrinkly brows, unrecognizable-names of medicines, ‘diminishing hair on head but increasing on face’ (eventually) and more -difficulty coping with ever- changing techno- I still have to find ‘ONE good thing’ about GROWING OLDER!!! (And wisdom is not on the table for discussion)
I know most of you out there are being all ‘Amazing- grace’ about letting the years slip- by but I fight it every step.
Like a tigress on a mission.
I snap like a shark if anyone tries calculating and tricking me with age related riddles like:
‘Who was the Principal at St Xavier’s when you were around?’
‘We didn’t have one; our college was on Auto pilot, you Curious/conniving George!’
I also don’t think twice before getting my hands soiled in the wet mud of fibs and lies if it’s the need of the hour. Some regular Pinocchio examples:
‘Oh she was my professor in school not my batch mate….we just having tea together.’
‘Yes I started a full time career only ten years ago….(not 20!)’
‘I swear this is my natural hair colour.’ (Hazel brown streaks?)
‘Of course it is all puppy fat! This weight gain is just temporary; post teenage hormones you know.’
Now that we on the same page, let’s enlighten you on what the rest of the tribe around me, must go through on My Big Day:
FAMILY (Anxiety )
They walk on a tight rope on D day and few days prior .
‘Should they or shouldn’t they surprise me with cake / flowers/ jewelry / car/ party ?’ – An Eternal Question.
Experience has taught them – Neither, nor!!!!
But then again if it’s neither then the obvious answer would be – nothing !
Oh that’s criminal error!
”You guys got nothing for me ? It’s my birthday dammit! The heavens had blessed this universe with a unique desirable creature. How can you all not be grateful and do something out of the box for me ?’
‘Damned if they do. Damned if they don’t.’
Their premature grey hair ….. an involuntary consequence of my birthday pickle? High possibility.
FRIENDS
(confusion)
Now now let me tell you , these mischief makers known as buddies – They actually want to ring me on my Big day to wish me?
I mean who calls on birthdays to ‘wish ??’
Well I guess one does but my phone is on silent 364 days… (to avoid Polite conversations) so what makes the 365th any different ?
Yes agreed, it was that rare day in History where both the Sun and Moon touched the Earth but Opera singing through my delicate ears ”Happy Birthday happy birthday to you – What plans today ? Maybe this is THE YEAR…… ”
The Year for what …….exactly ?
”Sky dive without a parachute? Find Prince charming disguised as George Clooney? Win a Noble Prize for Peace?”
‘Like a chalk on the blackboard effect’; screeching and shivery, the phone calls coupled with question- answer routines drive me insane.
Now thanks to these B’day wishers I am not only reminded that I’m a year maturer but if I’m having a small do, I’m forcefully obliged to invite them last minute as they remembered ‘my Day’.
And as I am blowing my Forever 21 candles; I’m all hot and boiled inside with the ‘How old is she really?’ subtle giggles…
Which is wick- smoke and which is the internal seething flame? Tough call there.
BOYFRIENDS(the hopeless hope )
If you thought family and friends have it rough… talk to my exes .
Rumour has it that they are on pins and laxatives a fortnight before July 19, nursing the ‘constipation of apprehension.’
It’s the devil’s(angel’s?)D Day –
That means,’Huge Expectations for High Performance’ ….Vis a vis – Gift- giving , bouquet choice, time allotment, Fairytale planning to the T and the use of ‘right words’ in messages, cards and dialogue.
If my ranting and taunting all year is bad – An upcoming birthday would be the ‘Game of Thrones of Relationship- drama.’
Non- performance shall lead to dire consequences such as isolation, annihilation and exile. (Making Chinese torture look amateur )
But this year I decided to do it differently – Not call 911 but instead take it as it comes.
So I went one step ahead and announced my Birthday on every Social Media platform and my Wats app status.
Some may call it desperation. I just call it …..”Surrendering to my uniqueness!”
After all shouldn’t they have attested a National holiday on my birthday, already?
Hands up those who are with me on that !
#Paranoia #Forever21andabit #Agerage
Chai With Kai 
Hahaha this is so sooo so true 😂🤣
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